Too Much?

Or are we mistaking emotional word vomiting for vulnerability?

Have you been called “Too Much…”? It could be operating at a subconscious level, internalized from when you were a small child, or perhaps it was hurled at you when you were older. Either way, it doesn’t feel great to have to minimize yourself to fit in with the world around you.

When we hear this, it is a reflection of the other person’s comfort level, not a truth of who you are.  But as I deepen my work and gain the wisdom of age, I’m seeing there’s another level to this that gets glossed over.  The part where we DO have accountability for the vulnerability we share. (Check out Brene Brown’s “BRAVING” work on trust and vulnerability).

I was called “too much” in my life to the point that I internalized it for fear of driving people away.  And then as I became more self aware of who I was, I grabbed onto the teachings I could find about overcoming this programming, and with a vengeance worked to own every square inch of myself.  What most teachings about self-acceptance are not able to nuance is that we also we need to do some self care repair work to manage our own emotional well-being.

Such as repair our trust with ourselves by honoring ourselves first and choosing people who honor us too.  But more importantly, once we do this, to maintain these new healthy relationships, we have to take responsibility for our own emotional well being.

I realized that “too much” of my emotional “vulnerability” with others was actually dumping or venting without clear boundaries or good communication skills in myself or the other person, quickly creating a mess.  It was overwhelming, for both of us. 

So I got to work learning emotional intelligence and processing tools to manage my feelings and emotions first on my own, and to know when and how to ask for help in a way that was constructive and respectful.  Which includes knowing what to share with a practitioner versus a friend.

It’s a dance for sure, some days I withhold too much and could use some more support, other days I feel like I found the right balance of sharing and listening.  And occasionally I get fired up and get too involved in telling a juicy story and am grateful for the merciful friend who receives it with grace!

So I invite you to check in with yourself and see where your self care and emotional processing skills land, what patterns you notice, and where you could deepen your practice of emotional vulnerability with accountability.

So much gratitude to Katie Piland for capturing the photo above - she worked with the wind and light to capture all of me the other day.  She’s a natural and has a talent for coaxing others to shine.

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